


Frozen 3: Too Much Water

by StupidStory



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StupidStory/pseuds/StupidStory
Summary: Anna and Kristoff's son has an upcoming history exam and Elsa, realizing that water has memories, volunteers to help him study. When they repeatedly run into embarrassing memories of her, she wants to dehydrate the entire world. Features the first ever lesbian kissing scene in a Disney film.
Relationships: Elsa/Hans (Disney)
Kudos: 4





	Frozen 3: Too Much Water

“Into the unKNOWN!” Elsa sang out her window for the umpteenth time. “My Me, I love that song! So much better than that cringe-inducing Let it Go!”

“SHUT UP! It's 3 AM and some of us have to be at work at 6:30 AM for UPS peak season!” Someone from some distance away had angrily shouted back. Ever since she had gone back to Arendelle to play charades, she missed everyone enough to not feel like going back to the forest.

“They can solve their own dam problems,” Elsa said. “My Me, being a bridge sucks if I can't play charades and if it continues this whole stupid trend of animated movies having the exact same ending of one of the main characters pursuing their own path in life.”

“I know right,” Kristoff agreed. A little mini-me of Kristoff was racing around the drawing room like an excited dog on caffeine.

“An excited dog on caffeine!” Anna guessed.

“Correct!” mini-Kristoff confirmed. He literally uses the exact same 3D model as Kristoff but scaled down. It was Elsa's turn. Anna looked down at her sundial.

“Oh my, it's getting late! mini-Kristoff, bedtime.”

“But I haven't studied for my history exam yet.”

“You WHAT? Listen son, you go do that right now and then immediately go to sleep.” But mini-Kristoff didn't feel like doing that. Instead he turned on his Switch and started playing Mario Kart.

“In your room. NOW!” Anna said sternly, her voice turning into a low-pitched demonic growl on that last word.

“Hey Elsa, can you make it snow so that it will be a snow day?”

“Dude, there's literally no point in that since you still gotta go to school even when it's 50 below and 7 feet of snow. Also, water has memories so it should also have memories of the portions of the history that your upcoming test covers. So I can take you to the place where I was fitted with a wedding dress despite there being no wedding so you can see icy apparitions of various things from the past. That will serve as your study guide.”

“Lead the way princess Elsa,” mini-Kristoff commanded.

They walked out of the palace and into the city square, and it was more diverse than ever. There were African-Americans, Asians, middle-easterners, Mexicans, and others of every single race, religion, and nationality, and there were even some of those gray space aliens with large, black, oval eyes, and space aliens that didn't look like that, probably from a foreign galaxy. Two of the aliens were a blue horse-like creature with a pink mane and a bulbous snout and riding on it was an orange monkey-like creature wearing a green hat and holding a banjo.

They went onto the beach and Elsa summoned the water horse and they both climbed onto its back. “Same place as last time.”

The watery horse obeyed, galloping across the massive ocean that conveniently changed sizes depending on the demands of the plot.

Forgive me if I mess up some of the terminology or the lore, Frozen 2 is abstract and trippy AF and grasping the world-building and how it shapes the stakes of the plot requires knowledge of multivariable Calculus and nuclear physics. It really should have been an anime movie. But I digress.

The water horse eventually dropped them off at the Show Yourself place.

“Woooooow,” mini-Kristoff said, his face looking kinda like this: O_O. A crowd of icy apparitions of things was in front of them. Several versions of Elsa from different moments in time were doing the things they did in their respective moments in time. The history homework had to be here somewhere. But where? Elsa was totally lost since there are a lot of memories in general.

“Whoa, you went out with Spiderman?” Mini Kristoff was looking at a memory of Elsa with Spiderman.

“DON'T LOOK AT THAT!” Elsa covered his eyes and forcefully escorted him away from that memory. “That NEVER happened!” Before anyone knew it he was looking at another memory, this one of her writing a bunch of crack fics (some of which were made-up sequels) and putting them on Fanfiction dot net.

“OR THAT ONE!” Elsa casually punched that memory into oblivion just like with the Hans one in Frozen 2. He then found a similar memory but this time she was putting the stories on AO3.

“Okay, that one's fine to look at.”

“Really? That is soooo lame.” Mini Kristoff got up and searched for more embarrassing memories.

“Dude, what about your homework? What about studying for your test?”

“That can wait. Man, you had a pretty interesting life!”

“We have to stay together. We can't get lost here!”

“Why not? I love it here!” Mini Kristoff had all the energy of a 6 year old kid who had cereal that is literally dessert for breakfast.

“Into the unKNOWN!”

“Show yourself”

Elsa cringed at herself singing those musical numbers.

Mini Kristoff checked out such embarrassing memories of Elsa's as peeing in the shower, singing Into the Unknown, singing Show Yourself, singing along to Justin Bieber's Yummy, and contributing to Hunt Down the Freeman, and Elsa subsequently swung at them with a sword and also lobbed grenades at them. She pretended that she was Neville Longbottom decapitating Nagini using the sword of Gryffindor.

“Mental note. Never sing any more musical numbers or else I will run into icy versions of myself singing them and then cringe and I don't like that,” Elsa said to herself. “Now can we PLEASE get on with your history review?”  
“Whoooa, what's this?” Mini Kristoff ignored her and ran toward something that made Elsa's heart, brain, and stomach plummet.

“No, STOP. No, no, ANYTHING BUT THAT! I will gladly endure waterboarding instead.” She had a nagging fear that he would check out her most embarrassing memory ever. Even more embarrassing than the quality time she spent with Spiderman. Heck, even more-so than when she sang Let it Go. What could it be?

“Me dammit! You have crossed the line looking at that one time I had pizza for breakfast. PIZZA IS NOT A “BREAKFAST FOOD”! Get away from-” She then remembered when they found the memory of her putting crack fics on AO3 and how he was no longer interested because of that.

“I change my mind, that one's fine to look at.”

“ALRIGHT! Thanks aunt. I love you.”

This was the last straw.

“Okay time's up. Screw your stupid homework. I don't care if you fail your test if seeking embarrassing memories is more important than school.” She dragged him by the ear and exited the Show Yourself place with all the icy memories. She turned around for a moment and stuck her middle finger up at it, then resumed her journey away from it.

“I'm starting to wish that water didn't have memories if it's gonna bring up the cringy ones!” Elsa sighed. “Wonder if there's some way I can dehydrate the whole earth.”

“Ha ha ha, good one!”

“No, I'm serious. I think some guy is spying on us with some kind of camera and then recreating the events using animated ice sculptures.”

A torch then appeared over her head, since light bulbs probably hadn't been invented yet. “I know what I need to do now. Mwa ha ha ha ha!” Elsa laughed evilly. She went back to the forest.

“Okay, fire salamander and wind thingie, listen up. I have some big job I want you to do and if you cooperate I'll give you each a Nintendo Switch and a Hollow Knight code.” They made some kind of motion that would obviously suggest to anyone that they were excited.

“Okay, now that I have your attention. Fire salamander, I want you to set fire to this forest, and everywhere else on Earth until all the water evaporates. And wind thingie, after all of Earth's oceans evaporate, I want you to blow all of that evaporated water into space. Think you can do it?” Both entities nodded in perfect sync. “Alright. Then let's do it to it. Bounce wit it drop wit it lean wit it rock wit it snap wit it.”

Elsa went back to Arendelle to sit back and play some Mario Kart on her Switch while her friends did all the work and the fire slowly encroached Arendelle.

“ELSA DAMMIT!” Anna snapped. “What are you doing? The fire is almost at Arendelle! I can't leave you.” Her eyes were full of tears.

“Anna, please cut out your tear ducts since tears have water. OW! Let go!”

“NO! We are getting out of here! I will not let you or myself burn to death.”

“No Anna, I'm serious,” Elsa said solemnly. “If you cut your own tear ducts out then you won't be able to cry anymore, and that's good because I'm on a mission to dehydrate the Earth so that there can be no more cringy memories to accidentally look back on, and as long as you can still cry then that's yet another roadblock.” Anna looked at Elsa as if she had grown a pair of-ya know what, nevermind, it's pointless to elaborate on that because this story is already so weird, that would be the least weird thing in it. So I'll leave it to your imagination.

“This massive wildfire is about to destroy Arendelle, and all you can think about is how I should mutilate myself. All the smoke must be driving you loony.”

“If you cut out your own tear ducts I'll give you an activation code for Hollow Knight,” Elsa offered.

“Oh awesome! I've always wanted that game. Count me in! Tho I am a little scared.”

“I'll go first so that maybe you'll feel better about it,” Elsa assured her. She went back inside real quick to get an ice pick and gouged it into the corner of her eye, and then pulled out something she could only assume was her tear duct. A scream nearly escaped her lips and she was in agony, but she had to make her sister feel comfortable about this.

“I think that was my tear duct but I'm not completely sure so I'm going to watch Toy Story 3. That movie always makes me cry even after having watched it enough times to memorize every single line of dialogue word for word, so if I don't cry at all then I can safely assume that I did in fact succeed in amputating my own tear ducts. Anyway, it doesn't hurt at all or else I would have screamed and cried, and I did neither of those things so you can do it.”

“You say so,” Anna said reluctantly. She reluctantly lifted the ice pick over her eye. “Screw this, I can't do it.” Then she quickly changed her mind and resumed slowly lowering the ice pick to her eye. “Do it for the copy of Hollow Knight you're about to receive for doing this,” she whispered to herself.

Elsa puttered around the movie shelf, looking for Toy Story 3 when her finger slipped on something moist and gross. It was a sandwich that she had accidentally wedged in there and left unfinished for only God knows how long. It was donning a cute little wig. Oh wait, that's mold. “Ew, not Toy Story 4. That movie is about as tear-jerking as getting runner's high. Ah, here we go!” Elsa finally found Toy Story 3 amidst the endless clutter of DVD's and Blurays on the shelf.

The smoke from outside was wafting through the windows so thickly it was nearly impossible to see the TV so she had to lay down on the floor in front of it, and it smelled worse than my farts after I eat fast food.

“Evacuation orders.”

“Not yet. I'm not finished watching Toy Story 3! I need to see if it will make me cry and if not then I have successfully cut out my tear ducts!” Elsa explained to the firemen as tho they were all on the same page from the get-go. PLEASE LET ME STAY!”

“NO!” The firemen lifted Elsa and Anna over their shoulders. They would not leave without a fight. Anna was reluctant to go along with it but she just wanted to play Hollow Knight that badly. Elsa shot an icicle at the firefighter that was holding her, and then shot another one at the other firefighter holding Anna, and they ran back to the TV just in time for the incinerator scene. No one cried.

“Oh my Me, that worked! Wait, I'm not sure if that's the incinerator scene or if the TV is actually on fire.”

“What are you idiots still doing in here? There is too much smoke, it is unsafe here. Arendelle is still under a mandatory evacuation order. Not even Toy Story 3 is worth braving this.”

“Oh hai!” Olaf greeted them, seeming slightly happier than ever. “Elsa upgraded my personal flurry to a personal polar vortex. I could stand on the surface of the sun and not melt a single dent.”

Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, mini Kristoff, and Olaf all fled Arendelle just in time for the fire to spread to the city limits and engulf the buildings there. Their whole palace was burning down. And then out of nowhere Elsa kissed a girl so tenderly and passionately. For only 2 frames, so it could be easily censored when released in other countries. This was the part that was advertised as being a big, big deal, as tho that was what the entire movie was about. Elsa is now officially the first LGBT Disney princess. Then the movie returned to the actual plot. Despite being only 2 frames long, numerous conservative evangelists who post on Facebook demonized the movie and urged parents to boycott it for perverting the minds of children with LGBT propaganda.

“Oh no, now I don't have a Nintendo Switch to play the copy of Hollow Knight you promised me on,” Anna sobbed, or she would have if she still had her tear ducts. “I removed my own tear ducts for nothing!”

“Where to now? The world is burning.”

Elsa realized that she did not think her little plan through.

“Hey girls. Sup?” Hans was standing there, a cigar in his mouth, lit by the encroaching wildfires. His fancy suit was tainted by the smoke particles.

“I think I'm in love you, Hans,” Elsa confessed.

“Are you nuts? This guy tried to kill you.”

“I don't care. He's handsome as hell. I know we were meant to be together.” Elsa was blushing.

“You're such a weirdo. How long have you been having feelings for me?”

“Ummm, since I first laid eyes on you,” Elsa said in a sing-song kind of voice. Hans backed away uncomfortably and then fled as tho Elsa was also one of the many flames engulfing whatever country Arendelle is part of. Or is it the name of the country? Sorry, I don't really remember and I don't feel like doing research.

All the water surrounding Arendelle was quickly turning into steam which was in turn getting blown into outer space.

“Great job, girls!” Mini Kristoff slow clapped. “I'm insanely thirsty now and for whatever reason my history test tomorrow STILL isn't cancelled even tho the school is on fire.”

“Well that's what you get for looking at my embarrassing memories!” Elsa said sternly. “Also, you're not gonna die since you're not a parent or a villain. You're perfectly safe,” Elsa reminded him.

“Ehhh-whaaaa?” Mini Kristoff said in the same way Forky said it in Toy Story 4.

“Since this is a Disney movie, any character that isn't either a parent or a villain has been fitted with unbreakable plot armor so they can't die.”

“So you're saying I could, if I wanted to, inhale as much smoke as I want and dance around in the flames and not die?”

“Exactly,” Elsa confirmed. “Tho it will smart a lot.”

“AWESOME!” Mini Kristoff took a deep, deep inhale and coughed a lot. Then he jumped into the fire and danced all night to the best song ever. He knew every line, but now he couldn't remember how it goes but he knew that he wouldn't forget some girl named “her” 'cause he danced all night to the best song ever. He thought it went oh, oh, oh. He thought it went yeah, yeah, yeah.

“Oh shit shit shit! I just realized something!” Anna cried. “Since I'm a parent now and this is a Disney movie, that means there's a possibility of me dying!” Anna curled up in a fetal position, shaking out of pure, unadulterated fear. “I don't wanna be in this story anymore!” She was hyperventilating.

“Well too bad,” Kristoff said boldly. “We're all in this together. Suck it up buttercup. You were written into this story for a reason. I don't wanna be in this story any more than you do.”

“I dunno. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a human-shaped prop, like I don't matter. FUCK DISNEY! I wanna exit this story and strangle the rich money-sexual bastards who decided it would be a good idea to punish parents by making them be able to die!”

“Calm down,” Kristoff said, as tho that would change anything.

“Dude, you're a married man. There is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE to tell an angry, emotional woman to calm down and expect her to calm down just like that. Anyone who does that is an idiot and so dumb they would vote for James Buchanan. Every time someone has ever said that to me, I just wanted to kick them in the groin,” Anna said thru clenched teeth. Then she kicked Kristoff in the groin. Kristoff hopped on one foot while holding the other foot as tho it was his foot that received the blow.

“You should be thankful all the water is in space cuz that memory just now would surely be something you'll eventually come to regret. Just sayin'” Kristoff reminded Anna.

“Well I don't wanna have to travel into space just to be able to drink water and get away from all the smoke.”

“We might not have to, actually.” They both had an epiphany at the same time.

“We have to disown mini Kristoff,” Anna and Kristoff said in perfect sync. “If we do that then we'll no longer be parents and thus won't be able to die!”

Anna and Kristoff then stood in front of mini Kristoff, arms folded and having resting bitch faces.

“Mini Kristoff, we're disowning you. We're no longer your parents. You're on your own now. Kthanxbai.”

“WOOOO! No more bedtimes! No more homework! No more getting punished for getting straight D's on my report card!” Mini Kristoff cheered like a kid in a candy store. They were relieved to find that he was taking it pretty well.

Watching that whole scene unfold temporarily distracted Elsa from her constant waterfall of thoughts about the incredibly handsome and sexy Hans, but now those incessant thoughts were back.

“I have to find Hans cuz I miss him already!” Elsa fled, running thru flames and not caring about serious burns or smoke inhalation since she's not a parent or a villain. Well, one could argue that dehydrating the entire world was a selfish, villainous action but since she's one of the POV characters that automatically disqualifies her from being a villain. “I love him so much that if I blink while I'm looking right at him, I miss him during the time that I'm in the middle of the action of blinking.” She started an 80's power ballad style musical number about this very subject, which went on for a whopping 25 minutes, which is about a quarter of the film's length.

Eventually she found Hans and the song turned into a duet that was a remix of “Love is an Open Door”, and unlike the first version of that song, the two were in perfect sync all of the time.

“I love you too Elsa. I have something very odd I have to tell you, a huge secret I've been keeping for a while and I think you've earned my trust,” he said solemnly, and then gulped nervously. “I am actually roughly 4,000 years old, give or take.”

“A ha ha ha ha!” Elsa giggled. “That's funny. You don't look anywhere near that old. I would have thought you were in your 40's thereabout.

“It's true. If you don't believe me, I saw first-hand the history that mini-Kristoff has to study for, so I could help him. But anyway, I was married once before. I wanted to have kids but my wife Samantha didn't because she wanted to live indefinitely. I thought she was joking at first, but then I realized she just might be completely serious when I realized that it was getting close to my 116th birthday. Samantha left me over a violent altercation about whether we should have kids or not. No person should ever be single at age 116. Then the years dragged on and on, but I made time pass faster by playing Hollow Knight, tho I spent most of that time trying to beat Hornet, and before I knew it, it was my 250th birthday. By now every good woman in the entire world was probably taken by now and I probably looked like the Crypt Keeper. So I laughed and laughed, getting more of an inner child nearly endlessly until my youth started to return. But I knew I was faking it till I made it. But what good was life if it wasn't fulfilling?

“So I became a villain so I could die. That was the real reason. I didn't actually care about power or anything. Then I met you and instantly fell in love.”

“Ummm, you tried to kill me, remember?” Elsa pointed out.

“That was before I fully realized my feelings for you, darling.”

“So, why did you act like you don't like me in that way and run away earlier?” Elsa asked.

“Oh, that. I was playing a little game called Hard to Get.” Elsa's heart melted. She and Hans shared a similar kind of passionate kiss as when she kissed that one girl earlier. During said passionate kiss, a trapdoor opened up suddenly beneath them and they landed into some kind of lava cavern reminiscent of the Cave of Wonders after Abu touched the jewel. Evil laughter erupted and it seemed to come from everywhere at once. What shocked Elsa even more than the fall itself was whose voice that was.

“OLAF? Is that you?”

“Right you are!” Olaf showed his smug little face. “And now you've been caught in my trap.”

“Oh buddy. You're so cheeky and adorable,” Elsa said affectionately. Olaf pelted her with a snowball and it smarted a bit.

“The Olaf you thought you knew has been the one pulling the strings this whole time. You all thought I was this comic relief character who wouldn't hurt a fly but you couldn't be more wrong! A ha ha ha ha ha!”

“What? Why?” Elsa gasped. For the first time since they fell in there, it actually occurred to Elsa that Olaf might actually be evil.

“My motives are complex. Your puny James Buchanan-sized brain wouldn't understand. You have sealed your doom by creating an Eldritch abomination that not only was the evil mastermind behind the events of Frozen 1 and 2 but also this one.”

And with that, his eyes turned bright blood red and he transformed into a giant, white cobra with his facial features. He wrapped his body around Elsa and squeezed.

Elsa tried to use her ice powers to attack the Olaf snake but then she remembered that requires water, and she no longer had water in her.

“Poor fool. Hoisted by your own petard. The world will be remade in MY image and I have you to thank since you burned it all up. And now here's MY little secret. Water doesn't actually have memories. It was me the whole time. I've actually been recording every single moment of history and re-enacting it all with moving ice sculptures, including the embarrassing ones. Every NSFW session with Spiderman. Even when you ate pizza for breakfast! MWAHAHAHA!” Then he squeezed Elsa even tighter.

“Nooo,” Elsa whimpered. She was angrier than a Japanese giant hornet whose nest was on fire. “You mean to tell me I burned up the entire world and any chance of Anna getting to play Hollow Knight on her Nintendo Switch for nothing?”

“Yes,” Olaf said bluntly. And then Elsa got a devious little idea.

“I know your powers of retention are as wet as a warthog's backside. But thicc as you are, PAY ATTENTION! My words are a matter of pride.”

“Hey, stop singing that! That's copyright infringement! Disney is gonna sue my ass if that appears in the water memories!”

“Ha ha ha, NO!” Elsa said defiantly. “Da seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake. You dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake. Just look-”

“Don't you dare,” Olaf tried to interrupt but Elsa ignored him. She sang more random Disney songs.

“Oh Ratigan. Oh Ratigan. The world's greatest criminal mind.”

“See the line where the sky meets the sea. It calls me. And no one knows how far it goes.”

“You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend, never had a friend.”

“When I was a lad I ate 4 dozen eggs every morning to help me get large. Now that I'm grown I eat 5 dozen eggs so I'm roughly the size of a BAAAARGE!”

This was the straw that broke the camel's back. Olaf smashed his video camera and reverted back to his regular snowman form.

“This footage is forever tainted because I don't wanna get sued by Disney. Alright, Imma head out. I'm leaving.”

“OH NO YOU DON'T!” Elsa forcefully grabbed one of his limbs. “No more Disney films that end with a main character leaving. GOT IT?” Olaf nodded meekly.

Elsa and Hans climbed up Olaf to get out of the cavern (he had briefly turned back into a giant cobra to let them all out of the cavern) and summoned wind thingy to blow all of earth's water that he had blown into space back to the world, and it was safe to do so now that Olaf had broken his camera. She also duct-taped Hans, Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf to her so the film wouldn't end with any of them leaving. They headed back to the charred ruins of Arendelle.

“Hey mini-Kristoff,” Hans greeted mini-Kristoff while at the bus stop for school (Anna and Kristoff went back to being his parents when they were threatened with truancy charges). “Anyway, so here's what happened...”

Hans was still talking about all the history he personally observed until about the last minute before his test, which by the way was in 1st period. Mini Kristoff ended up getting an A on his history test, so I'd still consider this a happy ending even tho the entire planet pretty much was a giant ball of charcoal hurtling thru space. Also, Elsa bought Anna a new Switch with a copy of Hollow Knight, and to this day, she still can't beat Hornet. She also bought Switches and Hollow Knight for fire salamander and wind thingie and they can't beat Hornet either.


End file.
